I have been so emotional the past two days. Little things are setting me off. I was on Babycenter last night and i saw a  post about someone taking their Fathers ashes to spread over his fathers grave. This made me cry...it really hit home. I guess with father's day approaching, i have been thinking alot about my Father, who if you didnt know passed away when i was two years old. I didnt know him that well, but i know that i love him and he loved me. Being a wife and a Mother i think has really made me think about him more...is he proud of me...is he watching me? I guess i could answer my own questions and say yes, but i will never really know for sure, i am sure that he is proud of me for not being like my Mom in the sense of the drinking all the time. I also think i am just realizing that i never really have mourned my Father. I mean when he died i was only two, so i didnt know what to do then, but now, the more and more i think about it, i think it needs to be done, yes i have cried..i cried on my wedding day, i cried when my son was born, i cry on my birthday. But i think i cry because i dont know what could have been. I know that if he had never passed away i wouldnt be the person i am today. But i often find myself thinking...what if.. what if I still had my father, what if my biological father walked me down te aisle. Would my Mother still be an alcoholic? I know that this hurts my mother just as much if not more than it hurts me. She never really talks about him. She did tell me once that my Father was and is the love of her life.  But How do i mourn a person that i never really knew. I think i jsut need to find the time to realize that i will never be able to know just how my father looked, or how he talked, or how he would hug me. Yes i have a few pictures, but pictures can only tell silent stories. A lot of people in my family still dont like to talk about it. I know that my uncle and my aunt would talk about him, but for some reason i feel like it would break my uncles heart to talk about his brother. Yet, i have so many questions. My grandmother has answered a few, but nothing could ever compare to him really being here. How will i ever be able to tell my son anything about his grandfather. My Mom says that when she looks at Elrik she can see my father in his eyes. I just wish i knew what i was looking for.

Its so hard to type through the tears. I think that i am finally beginning to mourn my father. I think i just need to cry for a while. I think it will help me feel better. When will the hurting end...i know it will take a long time if it ever will. 

I just miss him so much. 

If you have really read this all the way through, im not really looking for comments, i just had to get it out there. I thank you for reading. 

This is what is in my heart.